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Subject:confused
Time:09:47 pm
 so i met this boy over a year ago and he took my hear basically broke it and hurt me more then ever, i got over him or so i thought i met this kid a few weeks ago and we started dating weve been dating a little over a week but it doesnt feel right.... the story is in my last post on my lj so read and please help!
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Current Music:Nothing
Current Location:Home
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Subject:Having a journal is good for this stuff…
Time:08:18 pm
Current Mood:melancholymelancholy
 

 Sometimes I feel so empty… and other times so alive…

 

It’s almost like day and night…

 

I don’t trust anyone… I’m not ready to trust anyone.

 

Is it bad that I’m not willing to give up everything I have for someone?  Even if I think I love them?

 

I just don’t know how much of my heart to give away… I can’t honestly say I trust him completely.  Not because of anything wrong… but, I guess, what has happened before with him in other relationships and other people. 

 

I shouldn’t have done this… but I went to his Xanga journal and was reading some entries about him and an ex-girlfriend, him and another girl he was interested in.  How do I know I’m not a rebound? I guess that is the main question…

The jealousy is unbearable… I’ve never been this jealous about anyone before.  It eats me away the more I think about it…

 

He wouldn’t be doing it on purpose… I mean, I feel he is very passionate about his feelings towards me… but how could I tell if he is using all of that energy to express his love for me, is actually love he is feeling for someone else…

 

I care for him… but I still am not going to let my guard down… I’ve been hurt before…and I want to trust him, but I can’t just yet.

 

 

I’m completely torn at the moment.

 

 

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Current Music:I miss you - Avril Lavigne(SP)
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Subject:If any of you guys can help me out with this it'd be great. :)
Time:10:50 pm
Current Mood:tiredtired
Hello. You might remember from a while back that I posted something similar to what I am going to post now. I stated that I'm writing a book and it's about us, and about you. It's a voice of people with disorders such as Anorexia/Bulimia, Self-Injury, Bi-Polar, Homosexuality, and Gender-Confusion. (Please note: I do not believe Homosexuality nor Gender-Confusion are really "disorders" in the sense that they are bad in any ways. And I state this in my book - and if you have something you wish the world to hear then, please, send me your story:) ). I'm really sorry to everyone who sent me stories, but because of some things going on in my house and in my life I was unable to check my e-mail as often as I liked, and it was deleted. I've tried desperately to recover it, but it's been rather unsucessful. Please, if you would send to me again or for the first time that would be so appreciated. And I own this community, ConfusedXLove. :)

I'm writing this book in hopes that people will hear our stories and understand these disorders as we do. I hope for them to understand how we view them, and how the world views them.

I'm calling it, "The Voice of Disorders You Thought You Knew: The truth, from the people who live it." Or something along those lines. It's already started, I'm just in need of more voices to add. :)

If you could fill this out in the e-mail that would be great:

******
Name:

Would you like me to use your name (First names will only be used):
(If not) Alias Name:

Age:

When did you start (self injury, bulimia), or when did you know/find out or have suspicions (Bi-polar, homosexuality, gender-confusion):

Do you know why you started (Self injurers, anorexics, bulimics):

Do you think there's a reason you're this way (Homosexuals, Bi-polars, Gender-Confused):

Have you seen a physician (therepist, psychiatrist, etc):

Have you been on any medication(if so, what?):

Have you tried to stop/tried to change(Or in other's oppinion, tried to "be normal"):

When did you try:

How long has it/ did it last:

What happened (if you couldn't stop, started again, etc.):

Does anyone know(if so, who?):

Why did you tell them:

Do you have any specific triggers:

Your first time (Self-injurers, anorexics, bulimics):

When you first thought or knew you (Homosexuals, gender-confused, Bi-polar), something like... the time, place, something you did or what happened to make you know or think it:

Anything in particular that you remember, something that stands out like a time you did it that had a bigger impact that normal, an experience that you remember out of every other, etc:

Your story:

******

And, in general if you guys would like to tell me about yourselves, about what you do and why you think you do it or why you are how you are then that would be great. Not everything that you fill-out will necesarily be used (Except your name, age and story of course), I just asked a lot for general information, and if you tell me not to use certain things than, of course, I will not. This is to be about us, these are our stories and who we are, you can tell me all you'd like or as little as you'd like. Just add in whatever you'd like in your story.

If you guys have any poetry, artwork, etc. that you'd like to send in I would love it and try to place it in the book as well, either with your story or in a whole different section for art. :)

If you guys are willing to put at the end of the e-mail or wherever where you got this (community, website, etc.) that'd be great. Just so I know where you're from, I've sent this out to a few other communities. :)

Sadly, I may not be able to use everything that I'm sent, but if I don't them I will try to make sure you are aware of it.

No one but me will see these e-mails, they are confidential, and nothing that you do not want published will be published, but make sure to tell me what you don't want published, please.

Please copy/paste between the ****** and send it to me at SheWolfKC@hotmail.com . Please put the subject as "Book:(and whether you're writing for Anorexia/Bulimia, Gender-Confusion, Bi-Polar, Homosexuality, Self-Injury, etc.)" If you have any questions you're welcome to comment or send them to me as well, I can't say how quickly I'll reply but I will try to do so as fast as I can.

Thank you all, so much. I know I haven't been online a lot in a while, but things are finally looking up and I'm trying to make things better for myself and others. :)

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Current Music:Goodbye My Lover ~ James Blunt
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Subject:Define beauty...
Time:08:16 am
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
Writhing at my fingertips,
A beautiful rose.
Sharply mistreated,
Her petals fall gracefully,
And lay on the floor.

Gather around and finally see
The torn rose scattered about
Scorn and sneer the beauty gone
As petals float away

The wind carries what’s left,
Of beauty once there.
(She saw the end,
Before it even began.)
So the still petals float away
With no resistance to her new beginning

Why is love so blind?
It cannot see the beauty that’s there
But look who’s alone now,
In this never ending nightmare.



Shadow
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Current Music:Absolutely nothing.
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Time:05:09 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
If your "boyfriend" was to show you pictures of all the (in his words) "pretty girls" he met on his week long trip... would that make you upset? And to make you even more upset, he remembered the names of everyone of them and could tell you where they all are from...

Would it hurt you to see him with other girls in pictures he asked other people to take for him? And talked to you about a girl that he said he wanted to have sex with a long time ago, then he comes home with her picture on his camera?

And would it kill you inside for him to come back and find him only staring at your chest, always trying to put his arm around you, and just pretend like your his little toy?

This is killing me, I don't know how much more I can take...

Shadow
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Current Music:Goodbye My Lover ~ James Blunt
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Subject:I let him go...
Time:06:46 am
Current Mood:gloomyin deep thought
If a picture paints a thousand words,
but the canvas is a creamy white.
The blank pages of emptiness,
Are all I can seem to write.

But a voice has awaken
A new cry within my soul
Screaming, crying, wanting,
A final chance to be whole

My heart will take what’s mine
And plead it’s eternal right
And I’ll watch my final chance
Walk forever in the night

So this dreamer is finally going to break
So kill me, it’s only my dreams you’ll take.
And a void of emptiness is what I’ll be
And a barren phantom is what you’ll see

I can’t live with this secret,
My life is now just tears and rain.
I will continue to pretend to be happy
And live my life in vain.

The dream I had,
Led me astray.
If I would have followed my given path
I would not be this way…

I let him go,
I let something that could have been, free
Maybe it would have lasted forever
Maybe now he would have been with, me…



Shadow
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Subject:WHY ME!!!
Time:04:00 pm
I am so upset, but maybe I shouldn't be. It's not like he lied completely. I had found a boyfriend that was the best thing ever. But for days he kept hinting he wanted to tell me something. See, when we first started dating, I told him I am a virgin. He told me he was too. We haven't really dated that long, and just last night, he told me, "DON'T BE MAD, I LIED TO YOU, I'M NOT A VIRGIN". He said he still loves me. I should really be upset, but a part of me isn't. It's like he is trusting me to be honest with me. It's a little sad that he isn't a virgin. Oh well, that is one less thing we have in common. I still love him a lot.
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Current Music:The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face ~ Celine Dion
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Subject:Do you remember...
Time:06:45 am
Current Mood:indescribableindescribable
Do you remember…
When our eyes first met?
We both glances, and smiled,
My heart stopped for that one moment.
We quickly looked away
But took one last glance,
To fulfill that moment of ecstasy.

Do you remember…
The first time we went to kiss?
I told you to stop, and you asked why,
And I said, wait until the moment is right.
We stared into each other’s eyes,
And held one another in a secured embrace.
...Just so you know,
I was afraid to let go...

Do you remember…
The first time we did kiss?
You walked me to my car in the pouring rain.
You held the umbrella above me so I wouldn’t get wet.
I turned to you, and kissed you
And said, “I love you”.
You grabbed me in your arms,
And said you loved me too.

Do you remember…
The day we danced at the park?
We sat in the gazebo, and you braided my hair
Then I got up and asked you to dance
I could feel your heart so close me mine.
We dance for what seemed like forever,
And every time I saw your eyes,
I couldn’t help but laugh.

Do you remember…
When I told you my secret?
The one that I have a hard time telling people,
You sat up, looked at me in the eyes,
Put your hand on my face and said,
I love you…
Please, don’t do it anymore
When you get so angry you want to do it again,
Hurt me…

Do you remember…
How you said that you love everything that I do.
Well, I want to tell you that
I love everything that you were
I love everything that you are
And I love everything that you can be

You are perfect.



Shadow
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Current Music:Beautiful Boy ~ Celine Dion
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Subject:Help?
Time:05:58 am
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
I have an idea on what I'm going to get Yuki for Valentine's Day... but I'm not sure...

I am going to get him a white teddy bear, because his favorite animal is a polar bear (and his last name really means "white bear"), and some roses. Then... I'm not really sure on what else. I want to make something really special, but I need soem ideas.

Help?

Shadow
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[icon] ConfusedXLove
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